While going over the op-ed pages in today’s Inquirer, something about the Youngblood essay caught my eye. The writer’s one-line bio read, “Carissa Duenas, 29, is an investment analyst considering entry to the Columbia School of Journalism. She works in downtown Toronto.”
Interested, I read what she had to say (I usually just gloss over Youngblood because the writers usually talk about the same things). In the essay “To Be A Dancing Star,” the writer wrote about her application to Columbia University’s Graduate School of Journalism, but as someone who worked mainly in finance and technology, she was afraid that her work experience wouldn’t be considered relevant. “Why should [publishing's] gates be opened to this outsider?” she wondered.
She went on to answer her own question: “The truth is, it is an honest response to a life crisis, the quarter-life crisis. And I am in the midst of it.”
I applied to Columbia as a result of my own quarter-life crisis (and created this blog, too). My application was driven primarily because I didn’t know how and where to go next. Having started working in publishing at 19, I was on the brink of a burnout, and needed a solid direction. I submitted my application on the day of the deadline, and three months later, I miraculously got an acceptance letter.
Most of my friends (who know the whole story and are tired of hearing me overanalyze it to death) know the story between now and then: I deferred enrollment for a year to think things over and to find a way to raise the funds for graduate school. So here I am, still waiting for word on scholarships and grants, steeling myself to go to New York this year, regardless of what happens. Part of me is scared because I’m deathly afraid of loans, and don’t want to go into debt for a good part of my adult life (especially not after being so careful with my savings!), but I just know that if I don’t go to Columbia, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering about what-ifs.
It’s good to hear about stories like Carissa’s, which make me realize how darn blessed I am to have that spot in the first place. Reading her reasons for wanting to go into publishing remind me of my old students, bright-eyed high school kids who said they wanted to write just because they wanted to inspire. I used to say the same things, but the chip on my shoulder grew into a heavy block that made me feel like Altas himself. I’d like to get rid of that, and simply learn to tell good stories again.
A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to Paolo, another writer who applied to Columbia. “If I ever get accepted, I’m going to spend the next few months not using my brain,” he half-jokingly told me. “I’m going to celebrate and party until I start school.”
In retrospect, I should’ve probably spent more time celebrating instead of worrying, but I can’t help it. Carissa quoted Friedrich Nietzsche, who said, “You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.”
It’s all chaos inside of me now.
so nice to read kindred spirits!!! go! go! go!
I have been a fan of yours and your writing ever since. We’ve met a couple of times and we’ve quite a number of common friends. But whenever I see you, I just feel so intimidated. You’re one of my favorite young writers of today along with Ate Geolette.
I’m kinda scared that I might end up being speechless once I talk to you. :p
Anyway, in your previous entries/tweets you have been all psyched about going to Columbia. Reading this one however, made me feel how the reality of going there stirs up some sort of anxiety on your part.
You’re a great writer. Probably a lot of people already told you that. Your passion in writing is very much visible with your works and I believe that the very same passion would guide you wherever you wish to go. True, we need to be realistic in pursuing our goals but we must always remember that it is passion that sets us to go into that direction in the first place. If you have that, I’m sure you have a good chance in getting to the place where you really wanna be.
Good luck
Hey Maureen, thanks for the really nice words
I’d like to meet you and talk to you for real; maybe we can course it through Geolette? You’re right, I’m anxious about Columbia this time. Maybe finding more about how it could really be (as opposed to a dreamlike situation culled by years of watching shows about New York) scared me. I’d like to take the leap, and I’m determined to follow through.