August 30th, 2012

“Right now I’m Ingrid Bergman’s Casablanca age — old enough not to give up everything, young enough to want to.”

An essay from The Awl pretty much sums up my current situation in life.


October 29th, 2011

When I was 15, I thought I’d be married by 27.

I didn’t know what I wanted to be, but I assumed I’d be stable, married (or at least engaged), with a fulfilling job I could do for the rest of my life. No kids yet, because the thought of having a child scares me and I can’t imagine taking care of my own at this age. (Even at 15, I knew I didn’t want to have them at 27).

Reality: At 27, I’m a grad student, living in a shared apartment with three people I met on Craigslist, and spending Saturday night at the J-School because it’s too snowy to head back home. But somehow things feel right, and I’m in the right place at the right time. I’m glad that I didn’t get to choose the direction of my life as a teen, because I’d have missed out on a lot of heartbreaking, but necessary, experiences.

Sometimes I wonder about the choices I made; should I have stayed in a particular relationship? Should I have gone to grad school in Europe? Should I have just stayed home, stuck it out, and gotten promoted to a higher position? I don’t know, but I no longer spend angsty hours stressing about the direction of my life because I know that somehow, I’ll be fine (at least I hope I will).

I’m not giving up this blog anytime soon, but I feel that I’m nearing the end of my quarter-life crisis, and “twenteensomething” no longer seems to fit the bill entirely. Even the design isn’t me anymore (except as a broke grad student, I’m not shelling out for a web designer, and I don’t have the necessary CSS skills to overhaul it just yet). Nonetheless, I feel drawn to blogging again, primarily because I’ve been going through so many things here in New York, and I want to record and share them somehow. So the blog will live until next year at least, but probably not for much longer.

And I’m glad I’m not yet married.

The Return of Saturn

September 24th, 2010

At 25, “You are young enough to believe that anything is possible, and you are old enough to make that belief a reality,” says this article.

It’s exactly 15 days until I turn 26. To be perfectly honest, I’m dreading it. I know that age is just a number, but turning 26 puts me on the wrong side of the 20s. It’s the period that makes (slightly older) co-workers shake their heads and say that they’re glad to have hit their 30s; they’ve issued me dire warnings about Saturn Return and other similar rites of passage. “I went through my late 20s feeling like I was walking with a veil in front of my eyes,” one reported. She threw a big party for her 30th birthday.

It’s a pretty New Age concept, but the idea of Saturn Return, which supposedly happens in the mid-to-late-20s) makes sense. It’s allegedly a period when you’ll be making crucial decisions because one leaves childhood behind (for real; do you really think that people leave childhood when they hit 18? Of course not). It’s when people get married, take big steps in furthering their careers, or just make big, life-changing decisions in general. New Age or not, it’s just logical for the late 20s to be a turning point in most peoples’ lives.

So yeah, I get it that turning 26 brings me closer to that point. But the thing is, I don’t feel ready to make any big, life-changing decisions just yet. I already made one early this year by planning to go to grad school in New York; I ended up deferring to next school year (for a very good reason, though). So pardon me if right now, I’m not feeling as courageous as any spunky 20-something should be.

“Some of the most life-shaping decisions you make in this season will be about walking away from ‘good enough’ in search of ‘can’t live without,’” the article went on. Well, I’ve done some of that. Maybe not enough, but I’m working on that.

I’m spending my first birthday away from home—I’ll be in Berlin, where I’ll be doing some training for multimedia and online journalism for a few weeks. I just got my visa in the mail today, and things have been moving pretty fast. Every step is hopefully one made to that big, life-changing leap. I’m just hoping I’m headed in the right direction.

My God, being in my mid-20s makes me sound like an emo teenager.